Creating Healthy Boundaries Starts With Me

How often are we hesitating to say no to a request? Just because we want to prevent inconveniencing others. Or we want to be seen as this helpful person. How often are we doing things beyond our abilities? Just to prove that we're strong enough. Well, I'm sure you're not alone. I struggled with that too.

3 Things We Should Have to Create Healthy Boundaries:

1. Self-Awareness
2. Clear Expectation
3. Communication

Self Awareness

Setting a healthy boundary starts with knowing who we are, what we want and what our preferences are. We need a clear understanding of our thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. How can we create a boundary when we don't know where to draw the line? So, it starts with self awareness. For example, we're not fond of smoke and alcohol. When our circle invites us to go clubbing or hanging out in a lounge, we can comfortably reject them and say we'll join next time they're in a coffee shop. When we have firm boundaries, know what we want and who we are, people come to respect our choices. 

Recognize the different roles we play everyday, healthy boundaries may vary depending on which hat we're wearing. As a mom, for example, healthy boundaries may be our limit, both physical and emotional. Knowing my patience limit may help me say “no” when needed. I can courageously reject additional responsibilities, admit I’m overwhelmed, take a break and ask for help as needed. Realize that we are responsible for how we feel, and we can’t blame others because they made us feel this way. This goes for the opposite, that we’re not responsible for other people’s emotions.

Clear expectation

This should be a two-way interaction. Expectations towards others and expectations to ourselves. An article published by Joe Sanok on Harvard Business Review, titled “A Guide to Setting Better Boundaries,” mentioned two types of boundaries. Hard boundaries are the one we can't compromise and soft boundaries where things are more flexible. Knowing whether it's hard or soft boundaries that we exercise will help us manage our expectations.

For example, a friend of mine has this rule of no smoking near her children. Upon the birth of her third child, she is asked to move back to her parents house to help care for them. It's also easier for her, who is considering going back to work. The problem is, her father is a rather heavy smoker. 

With a hard boundary regarding smoking, she knows that moving back is impossible. Her expectation of her father taking the cigarettes out to the porch every time he wants to smoke might not be fulfilled. Her father expects her to be lenient, while she expects her father to strictly follow the smoking rule. 

Soft boundaries might be about meeting time or what food to eat. Despite not agreeing to move back due to cigarette presence, her parents are still seeing their grandchildren. While they were with their grandparents, she couldn’t strictly enforce what they should eat. The menu is a soft boundary she could compromise.

Communicating clear expectation like this message

Communication

When we know ourselves, and have set a clear expectation, what’s left is communicating them to the outside world. Boundaries aren’t always as clear as a police line. People may not recognize them and accidentally trespass those lines. Therefore, we have to communicate our boundaries clearly. 

Expressing these boundaries needs some degree of assertiveness. Not everyone has this capability and is comfortable establishing boundaries without feeling aggressive or selfish. So, the first thing we do is stating the facts. In my friend’s case, she can say to her father that “I can’t tolerate smoking around children, therefore I can’t move back home unless you stop smoking.” Add an alternative if setting the boundary makes you feel bad. Something like, “but we can visit on weekends.”

As a mom, I can feel exhausted. When a fellow mom starts a conversation, and I don’t feel like listening to their problems, I should be able to say “As much as I want to help, I don’t have the capacity to listen to your problem right now. I’m really sorry.” The same with unsolicited advice. We have the right to reject them, after saying that we respect their opinion.

Boundaries are indeed important. 

I lost several friends due to the boundaries that I set to myself. Mostly because of communication and time boundaries. I don’t usually reply to chat right away. If it’s urgent and if you want a conversation, you should call. Or we can meet and have a chit chat at a cafe. Some of my friends disagreed and went overboard with my late reply. One of them went berserk over how I managed to add a new admin on a group chat I’m responsible for, while ignoring her request for a phone call. I just don’t have the energy to argue with her. I apologize if I made her uncomfortable, told her what she should have done and ignored her ever since. That’s where I drew the line. 

I don’t say what I did was right, but that’s my boundary. I know enough that responding to her negative energy will just exhaust me. I managed my expectations and told her what she could expect of me. Then I communicate those feelings and expectations. I’m done. I felt bad at first because I tend to be a people pleaser. But then, boundaries aren’t meant to include everyone anyway.